Ep. 61: Financial cheating and money dreams in a relationship

March 21, 2017

We did our taxes this weekend! Between doing taxes and reading this article about cheating on your partner financially, we figured we'd do another money and relationships episode.

We have conversations to keep ourselves accountable financially, but those conversations are hard.

Jacob can be compulsive when it comes to budgeting so Chloé does most of the finances. But we have to talk about what we spend in order to be on the same page.

Because of a car accident he was in as a baby, Jacob got $20k when he was around 19, and blew through it all. He sees it as a $20k lesson he wishes he'd learned cheaper.

When asked what he would do differently now, Jacob says he'd sit on it for a while. Just to see it on paper in a bank, that isn't being touched and isn't needed to be touched.

What would the biggest change be in our relationship if money was ok? We'd go out more, have better food. Chloe's not sure what it will feel like not to have the stress of money but she knows not having to have conversations about money every day will be a positive change.

Jacob would buy prerolled cigarettes and Chloé would spend money on health stuff.

When money is really tight it makes sex not fun.

Chloé will often go into a spiral of fear of abandonment with money issues, and Jacob supports her by reminding  her that the relationship is ok, and talking about the fear actually strengthens our relationship.

During our separation we cut a bunch if subscriptions and cable, and that came out of financial conversations. What that taught us is that we have to clarify our financial game plan with each other when not in the heat of the moment.

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Ep. 60: Interview with Samantha Best- Curating art and magic vaginas

March 14, 2017

We are interviewing online art curarator Samantha Best. We tell horror stories from the bar/restaurant Jacob and I used to manage in St. Louis. Samantha tells us about her worst job experience working at and living above a pub in London.

Samantha works as a curator, is getting her master's degree and looking at the effects the internet has an art.

She also has a curatorial project online at www.oneonone.net.

Samantha and her boyfriend don't want to get married because they like making the choice to be together every day.

They have an understanding where they can each have a one night stand if they want to. He would want to know if Samantha slept with someone else, but she wouldn't want to know.

We talk about Samantha doesn't need to use sex toys because her fingers work extremely well. She can climax very easily and well through vaginal penetration and we talk about the shame that women feel over different ways of climaxing.

We talk about the phases in a relationship of one person wanting sex more than the other.

What makes Samantha's relationship work is that they are both actively looking to keep learning and growing.

We talk about a study that came out that says long term couples younger than 50 say communication is the mist important thing in relationships, but people over 50 say trust is most important.

We ask Samantha what advice she'd give her younger self. She struggled with bulimia for 10 years, and so she wishes she could show her younger self her magic.

We talk about how to communicate about triggers with your partner when you know they struggle with something.

Samantha also gives one more piece of advice to her younger self: you don't have to swallow if you don't want to!

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Ep. 59: Help! I’m in love with a crazy person!

March 7, 2017

What is "crazy" and when is it really a problem?

There is a difference between an exasperated "I'm going to kill myself" as an emotional hostage situation and real suicidal tendencies and thoughts.

How do you know when help is needed and when life is just messy that moment? Is it a pattern of behavior or an isolated incidence? What do you define as your "acceptable crazy?"

You can't take care of yourself if you don't know which personality you're waking up to. And if you're in a relationship with someone who needs help and don't say anything, you can be adding to the problem.

In a relationship, you still have to remember "I'm here for me." If there's hope or light in the relationship, then fight for it, but you have to be first in your own life.

If you don't love yourself first, how can you have enough to give love to someone else?

People often point out mental health issues in their partners that they themselves have.

Speak to friends and mentors about what's going so you can start to gauge what's a serious concern and what isn't.

Chloé  uses the term "spiraling" to signal to Jacob when things need to change, and we give some phrases that have worked for us without being loaded statements.

 

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Ep. 58: The Penis Episode

February 28, 2017

The penis episode. Specifically, penile failures. There are many reasons why the penis won't act the way you want it to.

"I've been consuming poison and you're like 'you wanna have some sex?' Well yeah, that sounds good too. Let me just finish this poison, and let's, uh, get in bed."

Alcohol, smoking, anxiety, depression, and health are all reasons for penis dysfunction.

Jacob talks about how expectations and too much thinking can create problems staying hard.

The penis "is like a BIC lighter. You pull it out and just expect it work."

Sometimes, making sure the penis gets air to contrast the wet vagina can help it stay hard.

Health affects penis performance because an erection is blood flowing into the penis, and heart disease, inactivity, smoking, and diabetes can all inhibit blood flow.

No one really talks about this either, so relationships suffer from the lack of communication and hurt feelings.

When we didn't know how to talk about it, Chloé dealt with feelings of shame and humiliation thinking it was her fault.

Not talking about the underlying issue can also be damaging to the relationship because it leaves the other partner unable to know how to be compassionate and helpful.

Porn convolutes the whole thing. Because it confuses physical and mental stimulation.

There are definite identity issues that come up for men with penis problems, but there also issues that come up for women in that relationship. Because we are all taught to believe that erections and orgasms just kind of always happen for men. So when that's not the case, it can leave women questioning their value.

Swingers forums are much more honest and compassionate about how common it is. It'd be great if everyone were so open and honest.

The keys for us have been: trusting the other person enough to talk about how bad the situation makes us feel, and accepting the truth.

While the quality of sex isn't the only sign of a healthy relationship, it can point to other areas in life that could be affecting the relationship, like health, mental health, and alcohol or drugs.

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Ep. 57: Male Shame and Sexuality

February 21, 2017

Jacob is changing. He tends to think more than "straight run my mouth."

We're talking about a blog post called "Why does dating men make me feel like shit?" by Emma Lindsay.

She's arguing that she feels shame about her body and self worth when dating men because men feel shame of their sexuality, and project that shame on women.

The argument is that men don't take ownership of their feelings and sexuality and therefore feel ashamed of those feelings.

The difference between saying "I'm really turned on right now" and "You're so hot."

Men tend to not talk to each other about what they really enjoy sexually, and that also leads to feelings of shame.

It's hard to know who you are if you can't talk about what you like. The conversation is what shifts the feeling  from shame to celebration.

Also, it's the one year anniversary of Love and Spit this week!Thank you so much for giving us something to look forward to creating and sharing every week. We do this for you, and we're grateful to you for sharing the show with us.

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