Ep. 64: Coping with negative news stories as a couple

April 11, 2017

Chloé is feeling physically hurt by the amount of disasters that have been reported online daily.

She's had to ask Jacob to not talk about what he's reading throughout the day because it's too much to process and is physically painful.

We're using the strategy of checking in with each other once a day, so we can still discuss the world and know what the other thinks, without Chloé feeling overwhelmed by information.

Jacob's also been asking "I know you didn't want to hear news right now, but this is really big are you ok if I talk about it right now?" Which gives Chloe the option to say no, and having the option is important.


Ep. 63: How to talk to a partner who is having too many candy bars

April 4, 2017

How do you let your partner know you're concerned about their behavior without being a jerk.

Typically when a person is indulging too much in something, whether that be drinking, eating sugar, watching tv, smoking, the indulging is a symptom of something else that isn't being talked about.

It's important to check in though, because sometimes just knowing the behavior isn't being done in a bubble, it's being seen by someone who cares is enough to start noticing and changing behavior.

We give examples of how we check in with each other, and how we've failed at it in the past. There was a time when Chloé was being a real jerk about Jacob quitting smoking and we talk about how that's changed over time.

Another example is weight gain, which often happens in relationships. We talk about how we checked in with each other about losing weight.

We also talk about too much tv and how to o address that.

So, top three things to keep in mind when talking to your partner about concerning behavior:
1) Have the right intention.
2) Remind your partner that it's ok, and things can always change.
3) Have a little grace and compassion.


Ep. 62: Feminism vs. Marriage

March 28, 2017

We have a "Tip-of-the-Tits" to Mamoun's Falafel, our unofficial sponsor.

We read this article arguing against marriage, from a feminist perspective, and we each have some different perspectives on her argument.
There is an argument that marriage, with its base in patriarchy, still makes life worse for women because they have to play the mother role in the their marriage.
Chloe agrees on that point. She finds she, and most women she knows, end of taking care of more around the house. Jacob argues that it's more about "thresholds," and men have a higher thresholds for filth.
Chloe disagrees with the author regarding the difference between being married and living together without being married. The author argues that they are very different relationships, and Chloe disagrees. 
Specifically in regards to sex, if you're looking at sex as an obligation, it's probably not going to be great, regardless of being married.
Marriage doesn't also mean giving up your own identity. While many women do give up their identities to their relationship, it doesn't have to be that way. 
There was a study done in France that showed women who cheated on their husbands were more likely to cheat if their husbands did not help out around the house.
If your partner isn't getting the fact that you need help, you need to make sure you are asking clearly.
Jacob compares our marriage to that phone that catches on fire...you probably shouldn't buy it in case it does catch on fire, but ours works great, hasn't burned us.

Ep. 61: Financial cheating and money dreams in a relationship

March 21, 2017

We did our taxes this weekend! Between doing taxes and reading this article about cheating on your partner financially, we figured we'd do another money and relationships episode.

We have conversations to keep ourselves accountable financially, but those conversations are hard.

Jacob can be compulsive when it comes to budgeting so Chloé does most of the finances. But we have to talk about what we spend in order to be on the same page.

Because of a car accident he was in as a baby, Jacob got $20k when he was around 19, and blew through it all. He sees it as a $20k lesson he wishes he'd learned cheaper.

When asked what he would do differently now, Jacob says he'd sit on it for a while. Just to see it on paper in a bank, that isn't being touched and isn't needed to be touched.

What would the biggest change be in our relationship if money was ok? We'd go out more, have better food. Chloe's not sure what it will feel like not to have the stress of money but she knows not having to have conversations about money every day will be a positive change.

Jacob would buy prerolled cigarettes and Chloé would spend money on health stuff.

When money is really tight it makes sex not fun.

Chloé will often go into a spiral of fear of abandonment with money issues, and Jacob supports her by reminding  her that the relationship is ok, and talking about the fear actually strengthens our relationship.

During our separation we cut a bunch if subscriptions and cable, and that came out of financial conversations. What that taught us is that we have to clarify our financial game plan with each other when not in the heat of the moment.


Ep. 60: Interview with Samantha Best- Curating art and magic vaginas

March 14, 2017

We are interviewing online art curarator Samantha Best. We tell horror stories from the bar/restaurant Jacob and I used to manage in St. Louis. Samantha tells us about her worst job experience working at and living above a pub in London.

Samantha works as a curator, is getting her master's degree and looking at the effects the internet has an art.

She also has a curatorial project online at www.oneonone.net.

Samantha and her boyfriend don't want to get married because they like making the choice to be together every day.

They have an understanding where they can each have a one night stand if they want to. He would want to know if Samantha slept with someone else, but she wouldn't want to know.

We talk about Samantha doesn't need to use sex toys because her fingers work extremely well. She can climax very easily and well through vaginal penetration and we talk about the shame that women feel over different ways of climaxing.

We talk about the phases in a relationship of one person wanting sex more than the other.

What makes Samantha's relationship work is that they are both actively looking to keep learning and growing.

We talk about a study that came out that says long term couples younger than 50 say communication is the mist important thing in relationships, but people over 50 say trust is most important.

We ask Samantha what advice she'd give her younger self. She struggled with bulimia for 10 years, and so she wishes she could show her younger self her magic.

We talk about how to communicate about triggers with your partner when you know they struggle with something.

Samantha also gives one more piece of advice to her younger self: you don't have to swallow if you don't want to!